Cause For Alarm

Fellow citizens of the Earth.  I am speaking to you tonight from the office of Michael J. Migliacci, Kyoto, Japan.  Within the last few hours it has become clear that the Earth is under telepathic attack from beings beyond our solar system.  This is great cause for alarm and panic.  All forms of panic or hysteria will be tolerated between the hours of 7 and 10 this evening.  After thus stated time all those exhibiting signs of panic will be shot without question. 

The attack is aimed at the higher reasoning centers of the brain.  We are being forced, against our wills, to prepare our own world for colonization, and its citizenry for enslavement.  However, we have been able to identify several human agents who are, aiding in this hideous sneak attack.  Some have been taken into custody most are still at large.  

Radio personality Rush Limbaugh has been identified as an Alien Co-Conspirator.  Instead of being killed for his crimes he has been sterilized, isolated, and his mind completely erased.  We are attempting to plant artificial mathematical formulas in his mind that will poison the Alien Logic Center located within sector 2146-7 of the Andromeda Galaxy, our closest galactic neighbor.  

My fellow citizens, this plan must work!  We need the help of every human being to succeed.  Please concentrate your thoughts on Mr. Limbaugh.  Try to fill his emptied mind with thoughts of love, decency and compassion.  These ideas have been determined to be the most foreign and confusing to his cerebral make-up.  This will give us the time we need to plant the mathematical weapon. 

If we are to fail...if colonization of the Earth is imminent...the leaders of the so-called "Nuclear Club" have signed an agreement to begin bombing of all the major cities on the Earth.  We must not let our culture fall into alien hands.  The future of the human race depends on our success.

Thank you

Good luck

And may god have mercy on our souls.

Cut Up #4

Ahead Warp Factor Two...

We all know what warp speed is, it's pretty fucking fast, but what is warp speed really?  In fact, it's not speed at all.  The ship in question, here the NCC-1701-D, sits inside a Warp Bubble which has no connection the the movement happening around the ship.  The ship and the space around the ship are not moving. 

A massive gravitational field is formed in front of, and behind the ship.  It pulls the place you want to go closer to you, and pushes the place you want to leave further away.  That's why in Star Trek The Next Generation when the Enterprise goes into warp speed we see it stretch out like that.  It gets all long and skinny and then snaps away real fast.  In the old Star Trek we never see them traveling at warp speed because they had no really cool visual effect to represent it.  The best we get is when the Enterprise whizzes by in the opening credits, and makes that swooosh sound, which is really retarded because there would never be a sound like that in space or moving at that speed.  Its like "Hey run at 4,000,000,000,000 km/h and hear the wind rustling in our ears!" 

That brings us to Warp Factors.  The speed of light is 299,792,458 meters per second or 1,079,252,848.8 kilometers per hour.  A warp factor is the speed of light squared, so warp factor two is 1,079,252,848.8 x 1,079,252,848.8 kilometers per hour.

The Enterprise can only go up to warp factor 9, because anymore than that would tear the ship apart.  Look at the picture, there are two opposing gravity wells, if they get too big they will split the ship in half.  But lets face it, if warp factor nine can get you to some hot green chick on  Argelius Two, and away from a mind controlling brain worm on Seti Alpha Five in like 2 seconds, isn't that fast enough?

His Prices Were INSANE!

Crazy Eddie’s going computer CRAZY!  With an incredible collection of home computers and computer software.  Atari, Texas Instruments, Commodore, Xerox, Crazy Eddie’s got ‘em all!  All at the GUARANTEED lowest prices, shop around, get the best prices you can on computers, then take ‘em to Crazy Eddie and he’ll BEAT ‘EM!  Crazy Eddie’s going COMPUTER CRAZY!  Now is the time to get the computer you always wanted!

Crazy Eddie, his computer prices are INSANE!!!!

 If you’re looking for a home computer go to see Crazy Eddie NOW…because Crazy Eddie’s greatest computer sale EVER is on NOW!  With prices that are INSANE!!!  

Cut Up #3

Cut Up #2

Cut Up #1

The Addictive Brain

The addictive brain is like an abscess.  An open sore buried in a sugar coated skull.  Rotting like a tooth.  Deep, black and cavernous, rolling with maggots.  They crawl down the spine, along the nerves, through the veins to the fingertips.  Moving you, whispering to you, making you act.  Making you use all things and people.  Devouring the weak like a shark swimming in shit.  The addictive brain only eats and shits.  It swims, consumes and shits until it is lost in a sea of shit.  Wave after wave of lost time, and forgotten moments.  Nothing left to eat, you float to the bottom, and wait.

Rock Hard Abs

ROCK HARD ABS IN NO TIME FLAT!

rock hard abs IN NO TIME FLAT!

Rock hard ABS! IN NO TIME FLAT!

Did you know that 99% of the human population suffers from a hideous deformity known as un-rock hard abs!?  It's true!  Just look around, look at your friends and family!  LOOK AT YOURSELF!  Well, Rock Hard Abs Inc. is dedicated to eliminating un-rock hard abs one person at a time...STARTING WITH YOU!!

Do you sit around watching TV eating cheetos and drinking diet cola thinking to yourself, "God, I wish I had rock hard abs."  Well you CAN have rock hard abs, and in NO TIME FLAT!  Do you kneel before a make-shift shrine to rock hard abs every night with a shotgun in your mouth, tears streaming down your fat ugly face saying "God!  I wish I was dead because I don't have glistening rock hard abs!!!"  Well put the shotgun down, now you too can have rock hard abs! For just $29.99 a month.  

Are you tired of being embarrassed to take your shirt off on the beach because you know the girls are all snickering behind your back saying "EWWWW look at that ugly hideous freak!  Why would God create such a twisted freakish monster!  GOD! to not have rock hard abs must be hell!! I hope he dies soon so he doesn't have to suffer the pain of un-rock hard abs!"  Well, for just $29.99 a month you could quiet those voices in your head telling you to die because of un-rock hard abism.  A condition plaguing our nation. 

But how will your life improve from rock hard abs?  Rock hard abs will allow you to have confidence with women!  You could have sex with any woman you want with rock hard abs!  If you are attacked with a knife, rock hard abs will protect you, bending the knife and breaking the arm of the attacker!  Rock hard abs will allow you to cure all disease including cancer!  Rock hard abs will allow you to control the minds of people you do business with.  Rock hard abs will change the way you think and let you see into the future.  Rock hard abs will protect you and your loved ones in the case of an accidental nuclear strike from an aging soviet first strike detection system.  Rock hard abs will be able to bend timespace allowing you to travel to distant galaxies without defying Einstein's Theory of Relativity.  Rock hard abs will end all suffering on Earth.  Rock hard abs make you the uncontested ruler of the universe, instantaneously impregnating every woman with your seed.  The children will grow to maturity overnight.  When they are born they will leave their mothers nothing more than a shell, a wet pink blanket thrown over a pile of bones.  These children will grow into a great army and enslave all inhabited planets in the Universe.  They will bend only to YOUR will.  And all for $29.99 a month, plus tax.

Murderer!

I'm shocked and disappointed to see that she's still alive.  Steam rising from her wounds, her breath quickening.  Waiting for her to die I check my watch making sure I can still make it back to the open bar and free food of the Long Island Mindless Chatter Society Annual Dinner.  

Check my tux...no blood stains, good, good.  The gin and tonics are stiff in there.  Carbonated piss and lime pulp after one of those.  Why is she still moaning, should I crack her again?  Maybe I should hold her head in the pond.  No, no five hundred yards from here at least, bloody up the tux for sure.  

I love it when the woods are this cold and quite, reminds me of the first time.  Her breaths are getting shorter now.  That's a good sign, she's bleeding out.  The reason the breaths get shorter is that there is less blood in the lungs.  Bronchioles are closing down.  Suffocation is part of bleeding to death.  I hear from the other med students that it's quite pleasant.  

Ahh, look at everyone in there.  I can see the warm lights of Houghton Hall from here, and hear the laughter at the party.  I wonder if she can hear it too?  Ha ha! Is that old Duke Gleason at the piano, that old devil!

Dear God...What Happend?

Lord, 

You started off sooooo strong with the whole creation.  I mean, creating yourself out of nothing, then all of the matter in the universe! The Earth, the Sea, the Heavens, and Man!!  That was amazing!  And you didn't stop there!

The plagues in the Old Testament were a great follow up.  I mean, killing sons, locusts out the ass,  the Flood.  You flooded the entire Earth because people weren't doin' what you wanted.  You were kickin' ass and takin' names.  You even had Abraham ready to knife his own kid, till you stepped in and was all like "Dude! don't do that!  I was just playin' fool!" Little did Abe know you were planning the same gig for yourself in the New Testament.  Looks like Jesus didn't get the pardon that Jacob did...oh well, you're God after all.

But what have you done for us lately!?  I mean, states are passing gay marriage left and right, and we all know you hate gays!  We can only wonder why you created them in the first place if you hate 'em so much.  Just saying it's weird.  No major plagues lately.  AIDS had potential, but it's really just killing the uneducated people in the most impoverished nations.  So much for the meek inheriting the Earth, eh?  And you are losing followers like crazy!  This would be a great time for some showmanship. But no...

You are reduced to revealing yourself to half-wits in grilled cheese sandwiches.  What's with that.  It's like four or five grilled cheese sandwiches this year!  At least hit a pastrami on rye, a sandwich with a little old school flavor.  I mean, it's like Elvis' Vegas gigs...you're better than that dude.  Really, I'm not dissing your early work, but either retire or get back in the saddle. 

Sincerely,

Michael J. Migliacci