Hammerhead

"Doctor, I'm having a terrible problem."

"What is it my son?"

"Every morning when I get up I drink a cup of coffee, then smash myself in the face with a hammer about ten times."

"I see...do you do this every morning?"

"Yes, and sometimes in the late afternoon."

"Ok, and what seems to be the problem?"

"Well I'm experiencing headaches, swelling, bleeding and the occasional shattering of teeth.  What can I do?"

"Well, I think those mysterious symptoms might be related to the hammering of your face, but there is no way to make sure."

"Oh God! Help me doctor!"

"I think we need to use a multi-pronged approach in dealing with all of your symptoms so your body can heal itself."

"Will it be expensive?"

"Yes, very."

"Ummm..."

"First, we must deal with the pain!  Im going to prescribe morphine.  It's highly addictive and can cause extensive liver damage, but it will be effective on pain of this severity.  Secondly, all of your teeth must be removed, this will prevent shattering, and cutting of the lips and gums by razor sharp tooth fragments."

"How will I eat?"

"You will have to be put on a liquid diet for the rest of your life."

"Won't I lose weight?"

"Yes and no.  You will lose weight on the diet, but we will give you medication that will slow down your metabolism. It may leave you weakened and lethargic, and could lead to depression.  But don't worry, we can take care of that with a colorful cocktail of anti-depressants."

"What else, doctor?"

"I suggest surgery on both of your shoulders as well as your forearms.  We need to go in there and get those large muscles out!  It's those muscles that are allowing you to hit your face with such force."

"Will I be able to use my arms!?"

"A little, you will still be able to lift and use a credit card, but nothing more."

"Are there any other options doctor?"

"You could stop hitting yourself in the face with a hammer, or at least cut down, but that would require you to change your behavior.  This approach has a staggeringly high rate of failure and has not been proven effective.  Also it would be totally unethical of me to suggest a course of treatment that's so inexpensive."

"Thank you doctor, I trust you."

"Ok, lets get you that morphine."