Rock Hard Abs

ROCK HARD ABS IN NO TIME FLAT!

rock hard abs IN NO TIME FLAT!

Rock hard ABS! IN NO TIME FLAT!

Did you know that 99% of the human population suffers from a hideous deformity known as un-rock hard abs!?  It's true!  Just look around, look at your friends and family!  LOOK AT YOURSELF!  Well, Rock Hard Abs Inc. is dedicated to eliminating un-rock hard abs one person at a time...STARTING WITH YOU!!

Do you sit around watching TV eating cheetos and drinking diet cola thinking to yourself, "God, I wish I had rock hard abs."  Well you CAN have rock hard abs, and in NO TIME FLAT!  Do you kneel before a make-shift shrine to rock hard abs every night with a shotgun in your mouth, tears streaming down your fat ugly face saying "God!  I wish I was dead because I don't have glistening rock hard abs!!!"  Well put the shotgun down, now you too can have rock hard abs! For just $29.99 a month.  

Are you tired of being embarrassed to take your shirt off on the beach because you know the girls are all snickering behind your back saying "EWWWW look at that ugly hideous freak!  Why would God create such a twisted freakish monster!  GOD! to not have rock hard abs must be hell!! I hope he dies soon so he doesn't have to suffer the pain of un-rock hard abs!"  Well, for just $29.99 a month you could quiet those voices in your head telling you to die because of un-rock hard abism.  A condition plaguing our nation. 

But how will your life improve from rock hard abs?  Rock hard abs will allow you to have confidence with women!  You could have sex with any woman you want with rock hard abs!  If you are attacked with a knife, rock hard abs will protect you, bending the knife and breaking the arm of the attacker!  Rock hard abs will allow you to cure all disease including cancer!  Rock hard abs will allow you to control the minds of people you do business with.  Rock hard abs will change the way you think and let you see into the future.  Rock hard abs will protect you and your loved ones in the case of an accidental nuclear strike from an aging soviet first strike detection system.  Rock hard abs will be able to bend timespace allowing you to travel to distant galaxies without defying Einstein's Theory of Relativity.  Rock hard abs will end all suffering on Earth.  Rock hard abs make you the uncontested ruler of the universe, instantaneously impregnating every woman with your seed.  The children will grow to maturity overnight.  When they are born they will leave their mothers nothing more than a shell, a wet pink blanket thrown over a pile of bones.  These children will grow into a great army and enslave all inhabited planets in the Universe.  They will bend only to YOUR will.  And all for $29.99 a month, plus tax.